Have you ever really wanted to change something about yourself, but you really struggled to do it? You set resolutions. You made great progress for a couple weeks and then you lost all motivation to keep moving forward. Maybe you wanted to be more timely with deadlines. Maybe you wanted to be more vocal and engaged with leadership discussions at work. Maybe you struggled to turn off work at night and be present with your family. We often start with a conscious desire to change behavior that is getting us bad results, but despite our best efforts, those habits prevail. Why is that? Are you simply a loser with no willpower? Or is it possible that you are using the wrong part of your brain to change your behavior?
Many of us believe the illusion that our conscious minds are in control and willpower is the best way to change a bad habit. What would you say if I told you that your conscious mind only controls 2 to 4% of what you do? Is your mind blown? (Pun intended.) How is that possible, you ask? Thankfully, our bodies do millions of tasks per second without our conscious awareness or input. Need to breathe? No worries. Your brain is taking care of it. Need your heart to pump? No worries. Your brain is taking care of it. In the case of bodily functions, this automation serves us well and allows us to place our focus on higher cognitive tasks. When it comes to behavior, though, the unconscious brain can be quite limiting.
When we are young, we learn emotions, attitudes and behavior from our environment. Neurons in our brain, called mirror neurons, allow us to mimic the behavior of those around us and shortcut our learning process. For example, watching our parents talk to us as infants engages the mirror neurons and allows our brains to pattern language. When we have healthy, well adjusted individuals in our life, we learn healthy behavior patterns. However, when our parents, guardians or teachers have behavioral limitations, we learn those as well.
Fast forward to an executive who avoids facing conflict in the office. He cannot stand the thought of not being liked. Rather than facing conflict when it arises, he avoids the conversation entirely. His team is craving constructive feedback; but he is unable to give it. Thus, his team is not able to meet their highest capabilities because they are not being encouraged to move past their limitations.
The pattern for this behavior was very likely established in early childhood. As a young boy, this leader learned that being liked and being popular were more important than being honest. Leadership and parenting are very closely linked in the brain. We often unconsciously lead exactly as we were parented. Or, if we disagree with how we were parented, we lead in opposition to that parenting. Either way, the behaviors that drive our actions often arise from unconscious learned patterns that are difficult, if not impossible, to change with willpower.
When we do try to change that behavior, our reptilian brain fights that change with force. When we try to change, our brain feels stressed and releases adrenaline and cortisol. A thermostat mechanism in our brain works to return us to our comfortable, programmed state. Our brain searches the environment for feedback that changing is a bad idea or will yield us bad results.
So, what’s a leader to do when she wants to change? Give up? Blame her parents and move on? Not at all. All we must do is shift the approach we are using to change the behavior. First, we must bring awareness to the unconscious behavior. Once we are aware of the pattern, then we can use tools like affirmations and meditation to change the brains structure and support the learning of a new automated behavior.